雅思作文批改,第一次写啊…麻烦高手点评…谢谢~有人认为政府应该控制暴力电影以减少社会上逐渐增高的暴力犯罪案件.Do you agree or disagree?Some people hold the view that violence in films is one of the rea

雅思作文批改,第一次写啊…麻烦高手点评…谢谢~有人认为政府应该控制暴力电影以减少社会上逐渐增高的暴力犯罪案件.Do you agree or disagree?Some people hold the view that violence in films is one of the rea
雅思作文批改,第一次写啊…麻烦高手点评…谢谢~
有人认为政府应该控制暴力电影以减少社会上逐渐增高的暴力犯罪案件.Do you agree or disagree?
Some people hold the view that violence in films is one of the reasons that lead to violent crimes so government should keep it under control.I’m standing firmly on their side by three reasons.
To begin with,the dramatic endings in violent films will wake up the evil minds in some people since the tough guys in the movies may luckily escape being punished or even become heroes.Those who haven’t form a sense of right and wrong and can’t tell drama from reality will probably be misleaded to a guilty road.
Dramatic endings are only creating evil ideas in some people’s minds,but the tricks in violent films are teaching those people how to perform a clever crime.To attract a large audience and selling more tickets,the film writers will try all means to create new witty tricks.Once the potential criminals appreciate and understand some of such tricks,they will either choose a suitable one or combine several ones to make their own,thus causing troubles for the secure of our society.
Witty tricks and dramatic endings are just pulling up crimes,but it is the violence scenes which are ignorant of precious lives that make a crime into a violent crime.If there were fewer cold blooded killing and fewer fierce fighting in the movies,our society might become a more harmony world.
Admittedly,violence in films not necessary always leads to violent crimes,and they may have some positive effects on the audience.Governments don’t need to ban them,but should impose limitations on the percentage of violence in films as well as on age groups.In this way,the decrease in the number of violent crimes is predictable.

雅思作文批改,第一次写啊…麻烦高手点评…谢谢~有人认为政府应该控制暴力电影以减少社会上逐渐增高的暴力犯罪案件.Do you agree or disagree?Some people hold the view that violence in films is one of the rea
我觉得你最后一段写的比较好,可以作为文章的中心论点,这样的文章写出来更好.下面是我觉得存在的问题
1、首段重申文章的,但是要注意不要使用和作文题目一样的文字,要改写!eg.some people hold改为There is a ascending thought that...（我不知道原题是什么样子的）你同意了文章的主题,同时要表明自己的观点,你至说了你同意violence in films is one of the reasons that lead to violent crimes so government should keep it under control.但是没有表明你的论文观点是什么.eg.最后最好加上一句In my opinion,
我个人觉得雅思作文最好是写中立的,一是这样的文章不容易写的过激,二是,可以增加你写的内容.
2、分论点比较薄弱,主要是第三个.
3、段落结构不是很清晰,因为是议论文,最好有一些如firstly,the last point that I want to present等等的表述要写会比较好
以上是一些我个人的看法,我的雅思作文7分,GMAT作文6.5