My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右My Role modelI have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a da

My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右My Role modelI have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a da
My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右
My Role model
I have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a dancing school which is small but famous for a graduate,George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.
George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego.He was small in his high school day,but had vitality as high as any other boys for playing basketball.He was a basketball club member.His friend in high school often said,”He can play as if he has four arms and four legs.” He could move faster than any other players then.
He was curious not just in basketball but in dancing his high school age.George asked his father if he can go to a school for dancing,but his family could not afford the school fee.He thought that he should have worked to make money for school,and stared his job as early as he graduated from high school.He found a hard but you could earn quite large money job and entered a dancing school a year later.
People could not have become famous dancer unless they had been in an expensive dancing school at that time.Otherwise,they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visit Broadway theaters.But George managed enter a cheap school in San Diego.
The more he practiced dancing hard,the more he got eager to be a better dancer.Finally,he was admitted of his dancing skills by a man who came to the school for scouting.He had become well known in a dance meet in California.Not only the teachers of his school and the scouting director were attracted by his energetic dancing and enthusiastic about dancing.The scout person promised George to take him to New York
是要纠错的 这篇文章不是我写的 是让改错的 文章全部都有错 要用英文把这篇文章改正过来
主要分两个问题来写
第一，写文章主要结构哪里不好，先指出来，在改正，并说明为什么。
第二，找一些小错误，比如文法，或用词不当的，包括介词不当，时态的错误等，先指出在改正，在说为什么
写好的有追加分 我的分都追加了也可以 主要是着急 三楼的写的不错 有没有更加完善的改错的 要用英文写的

My Role model 文章纠错,用英文的 （包括两方面,1是文章构造2是语法用词之类） 要求800左右My Role modelI have a dream,actually two dreams,which are closely related.My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a da
The stroy has used the narrative writting style and all in all,the structure of the passage is quite clear,except that the first paragraph is not congruent with the rest of passage as it uses the first-person "I" whereas the rest is in thrid-person.The passage naratates the hardship of George Mingus in achieving his goal in dancing,and finally hit his gaol after going through all the trials and tribulations.The story was fluently written,yet,it is just as plain as the unprocessed water that lacks of a sense of attraction to readers and make it a rather ordinary story,when the George was on his hardship,there was scarce description of the twists and gripping scenes to let the readers know how determined George was in achieving his goal.Lack of specific description also leads to the unattractiveness of the whole passage,and hence it will be losing its readers' attention and interest in continuing reading.In my humble opinion,the first sentence of the opening paragraph is in total a redundant statement,the story can be told in flash back,put the achievement of George at the beginning of the story,making readers wondering what is it to make George successed.
Speaking of the misuse of language in the passage,there are quite number of them.The tone of the passage is rather confussing,it used "I" to start the passage at the beginning,and then changed to thrid-person in telling the story.Unclear in the tenses also,the first sentence of the second paragraph ought not to be in present tense.Another language mistake is that the quotations and dialogues should not be in the middle of the paragraph,in appropriate English,dialogues and quotations should be started in a new separated paragraph.The rest is fairly fine,It is suggestible to use more fancy words and good phrases to rose the readers' interests in reading.

文章感觉有点生硬哦，就是中国式英语那种。比方那些WHICH引导的从句感觉就是要硬搬上去的
George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.

这句谓语呢，先要明白你自己要说什么吧，把WHO删了，才算是个正确句子
去专业网站看看写人物的文章，...

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文章感觉有点生硬哦，就是中国式英语那种。比方那些WHICH引导的从句感觉就是要硬搬上去的
George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.

这句谓语呢，先要明白你自己要说什么吧，把WHO删了，才算是个正确句子
去专业网站看看写人物的文章，

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My Role model
I have a dream, actually two dreams, which are closely related. My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a dancing school which is small but famous for a graduate, Geo...

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My Role model
I have a dream, actually two dreams, which are closely related. My first dream is to go to America and learn dancing in a dancing school which is small but famous for a graduate, George Mingus who has played leading roles in the dance business.

George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego. He was small in his high school day, but had vitality as high as any other boy for playing basketball. He was a basketball club member. His friends in high school often said,”He can play as if he has four arms and four legs.” He could move faster than any other player then.
any other后面加单数，因此将boys改成了boy, any other boy；同理，any other player，不用复数
his friend不可能用单数，加了复数friends
He was curious not just about basketball but dancing when he was at high school age. George asked his father if he could go to a school for dancing, but his family could not afford the cost. He thought that he should work to make money to go to a dancing school, and started working as early as he graduated from high school. He found a tough job, but you could earn quite a lot of money from the job and saved enough to enter a dancing school a year later.
be curious后面用about，不用in，从本段开始只改，不说明了，多是语法上的问题
People could not have become famous dancers unless they had been to expensive dancing schools at that time. Otherwise, they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visit Broadway theaters. But George managed to enter a cheap school in San Diego.
The more he practiced dancing, the more he got eager to be a better dancer. Finally, his dancing skills were acknowledged by a man who came to the school scouting. He had become well known at a dance tryout in California. Not only the teachers at his school but also the scouting director were attracted by his energetic dances and his enthusiasm about dancing. The scout promised George to take him to New York.
总的来说写的不错 good job!

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我认为没有必要说有两个梦想。开头应该点题：
George Mingus is my role model. George Mingus has played a leading role in the dance business. His road to success is very impressive. I appreciate and admire him so much tha...

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我认为没有必要说有两个梦想。开头应该点题：
George Mingus is my role model. George Mingus has played a leading role in the dance business. His road to success is very impressive. I appreciate and admire him so much that I have a dream to become a dance just like him. I also want to go to the dancing school where he used to study.
George Mingus is from a ghetto in San Diego. He was small for his age (这样更地道), but he was full of vitality, just as any other boys when playing basketball. He was a member of the basketball club. His high school friends often said,”He can play as if he had (虚拟语气) four arms and four legs.” He could move faster than any other players then.
He was curious not just about (be curious about sth.)basketball but (about) dancing when he was in high school (在他上高中的时候）. George asked his father if he could (间接引语，不能can) go to a school for dancing, but his family could not afford the school fee. He thought that he should work (原句用虚拟语气错了）to make money for school, and stared his job as early as he graduated from high school. He found a hard job from which he could earn much money (原句错）and he was able to enter a dancing school a year later.
倒数第二段：
People could not become (没有必要用虚拟语气) famous dancers(复数） unless they had been to （上学） an expensive dancing school at that time. Otherwise, they should find a good dancing coach in New York City where a lot of people visited (过去式） Broadway theaters. But George managed （to, manage to do sth) enter a cheap school in San Diego.
最后一段：
Not only were the teachers of his school and the scouting director attracted by his energetic dancing and his enthusiasm about dancing, not only 在句首应该倒装，enthusiasm是名词，作by的另一个宾语，而且这句话的后半部分似乎没有，因为就是句号了，but also 哪里去了？

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